Caring is Creepy

I have days nested deeply in my memory that I would like to experience again, identically but without foreknowledge of its events. It's like I live inside of a grandfather clock too massive for its room. Or like I'm riding a bike too quickly down a hill. Or something. In actuality I just want the moment of anticipation that comes with even sustained bliss, but I know that winding around and around a particular moment precludes that Dream of future development.

I don't think that made ANY sense. I only bring this up because today I cooked my first chicken, which ever since childhood I marked as the heralding event of adulthood. I never had to worry about whether my meat was cooked thoroughly enough, because I either lived at home, or didn't have enough forethought and initiative to buy and cook frozen chicken because per pound, it's a pretty damn efficient meal. So I guess that means I'm an adult now, and so this is how it feels. When I was a kid I never thought about this moment, because I never fathomed that it would actually come. And now here I am! Would you look at that.

The first part of this incredibly obscured midnight demise into nonsense referred to my constant gnawing wistfulness for Berkeley between Oct/Nov. 2008 and the moment I moved out of my Northside apartment. I have already written pages and pages of elegiac disjointed whimsy (ultimate oxymoron aka bullshit) about how strongly I miss Berkeley Bowl, my green Marin bike, the Main Stacks, morning phonetics classes, dronetime, my treetop kitchen, and ETC ETC. But I have made many great friends since then, some of them the angels of my life.

Hah, I've long forgotten where this was supposed to go. I really do partition my life like that, and now I am and have for the past three months been so utterly confused. Why am I so far away from so many things that I love? I miss you, California. "I'm not ready to grow up."

Shasta-Trinity, Summer 2009

Railcars- Bottom of the Hill, 2008

28th Street, Spring 2009

South Berkeley, Winter 2009

My apartment! April 2009

San Francisco, October 2008